At 40: A Milestone Birthday

I drafted this blog about enjoying occasions, earlier this month, but none of what I wrote quite feels personal enough now. For that reason, I went back to pen and paper, and this is the result. It’s raw and honest stuff, but perhaps a bit more of that is needed if my already over sharing nature is going to resonate and ultimately help others.

This weekend, as I turned 40, there was a whole raft of emotions and the psychological build up to this particular birthday has been weird for me. I don’t know about anyone else but I reckon I might have had a mini midlife crisis approaching this one. However, you’ll be pleased to know, I woke up Monday morning feeling more like myself and with a fresh sense of optimism. The monkey off the back because 40 had passed and I could now look forward to a whole new decade until the next potentially terrifying milestone: a whole 10 years to attack! The build up was not so easy though and, likewise, the weekend itself. Approaching this milestone has left me regularly looking at the speed at which my formative years have passed. The last ten in particular have gone by in a flash. Every little sign of ageing has left me with an unusually high level of hypochondria and feelings of concern that my best years are behind me.

Then came the big day. A Saturday. It so happened that my 18th also fell on a Saturday and I do actually remember feeling excited about that fact. This one was different though, largely because I had to go to work, but that’s adult life, that’s responsibility. When you work in a community like I do though, going to work is not necessarily the worst thing in the world on your birthday. With colleagues and students wishing me many happy returns in corridors, cards and balloons; there’s no shortage of connection. A slightly early finish was granted and I was home with my wife, kids and my visiting Mum before I knew it. As the evening drew in, I scrubbed myself up, threw on the glad rags and off I went to enjoy a perfectly cooked sirloin steak with close family and friends. Happy Days. 

It wasn’t all picture perfect though, and I’d be lying if I said this weekend wasn’t triggering at times. My 18th and 30th were similarly enjoyable occasions, only they involved copious amounts of alcohol and my brain was keen to remind me of those occasions this weekend. The connections were as real as they had been 10 and 22 years prior, but the birthday weekend left me grieving the past, at times, and wondering how different things might have been. Whatever thought came up though, be it a mini existential crisis, wishing I threw a party, or even if any of this was worth it at all. Whatever the thought, I saw it, and I felt it, but even if it was uncomfortable, drinking alcohol was never the solution. Believe me, it would have been in the past and I know only too well how losing myself for a few hours in booze and alcohol-enhanced bliss could feel so nice at the time. I also knew now that I could find what I really needed without it though, and that is what I do now. After all, throwing up on the new rug on my 30th isn’t exactly my proudest accomplishment and certainly not one worth repeating.

Of course, I could have had a party if I wanted to and the thoughts about getting older, and the little bits that didn’t go to plan over the weekend; they all would still have happened whether I was or wasn’t a drinker. The difference is, I now have to deal with them and not store them away for later and that later would also have involved a hangover (see The Morning After, The Life Before for more on this). While the pen is flowing, I think it’s worth acknowledging that there are times when I just want to pick that bottle up and forget that I ever engaged with any of this AF stuff. But that’s not what I do now, and, as the long term rewards pile up over time, the more certainty I have about the benefits of sitting with those thoughts, accepting them and then playing the tape forward. 

Sunday was beautiful. I found peace at the canal on my run, enjoyed every mouthful of my unlimited breakfast, spent a day at the football with my boy and capped it all off with beers (AF for me) and live music with my friends and colleagues. I think I can confidently say that a milestone birthday can be a triggering time on one’s AF journey. Our society is built around celebrating with alcohol and it’s a custom that I have fully embraced in the past. This time, I didn’t. As I sit here writing this reflection on an AF 40th Birthday, I realise that connection with friends and family is where happiness and contentment really lie. If that means having a couple of beers, getting plastered, or having none at all, as long as you find those feelings, that’s a special occasion. 

Keep connecting, we all need it! 💕