All Consuming: Bottles to books

Whether or not I believe in the idea of an 'addictive personality', I can’t escape the fact that once I’m into something, I’m all in. Understanding that about myself helps me temper over-indulgence now, but my ‘all in’ attitude used to run unchecked in my younger drinking days, and it's fair to say it did cause some problems. The paradoxical challenge is that the same intensity has driven me to most of my successes in life though, so it would be unwise to try to blunt that spiky edge of my personality too much. I have proven to myself many times that this all consuming trait can be channelled into positive outcomes, and never more so than in my early days of choosing AF; I think that’s why the first few weeks and months felt so easy. I’m a sucker for novelty and during those early weeks, I found all the shiny new information about sobriety infatuating. So, this month’s blog is slightly different and whilst there may be the odd memoir and deep thought, this one is really about giving flowers to some of the biggest influences that have shaped my view of living AF over the past few years. The list is far from exhaustive, but I hope this helps any sober curious readers who might be interested in learning more from those whose work has shaped my mindset, often through their willingness to show strength in vulnerability.

Long Commutes and 'Quitcasts'

One of my favourite podcasts in early sobriety was How I Quit Alcohol by Danni Carr and Ash Grunwald. Danni’s soft Australian accent is calming and soothing, and her conversations with Ash made me feel like I wasn’t alone in those first few weeks. Their life situation really resonated with me, and I quickly found myself aspiring to emulate what they had done (I told you I have a propensity to be easily influenced). They have children and the way they spoke about how their drunken shenanigans affected the way they parented rang true for me. It was their humility that struck me the most though, they never seemed to judge others for their choices. On the contrary, Danni makes the point that it would be hypocritical to judge others when she has clearly been a 'problem drinker' herself. Because of this, I have always tried hard to live my own AF life through the same lens, but I often fear that it must be hard for those who are drinking not to feel judged by someone who is not 'joining in'. No one used to bang the ‘never trust a sober person’ drum louder than me though, so I totally understand if others have that misconception.

Having enjoyed How I Quit Alcohol for a few weeks, I started to realise that there was quite a movement in the AF space and my long commutes to work were becoming a useful time for self-growth. Over the Influence, hosted by Sharon Hartley & Ben Anderson, had the added appeal of English presenters. Only a tiny fraction of my life has been lived outside the UK so I am respectful and careful of the fact that other countries can have different societal or cultural norms that I need to take into account when applying new material to my own life. That said, good insights and common sense are cross-cultural so I embrace quality from anywhere in the world. Alcohol Free Life by Janey Lee Grace, One for the Road by David Wilson, and Sober Awkward by Victoria Vanstone and Hamish Adams-Cairns are other recommendations on the podcast front. The latter needs a special mention because they published Liberation from Moderation for members of their huge online community, Cuppa Community. I have attached a link to their page where my blog can be found.

Audiobooks and 'Quit-lit'

As I continued soaking up AF content, books began landing on my doorstep, and audiobooks populated my Spotify algorithms. I was lapping it all up and felt that AF living was giving me a huge sense of purpose. I was learning a new perspective, as well as opening my mind to facts that I had never dared, nor cared, to believe. The most influential book I read was Alcohol Explained by William Porter. A word of warning to anyone who reads it and wants to carry on drinking though, you might never see alcohol in the same way again. Perhaps in an attempt to downplay just how much sense it makes, critics have alluded to the lack of scientific references within it, but Alcohol Explained 2 (also worth a read) goes a long way to addressing that. Much like Danni Carr, Porter is softly spoken and compassionate, with a wonderful way with words. He articulates the benefits of living AF in a calm and compelling tone. He’s certainly someone I’d love to share a Guinness 0% with and firmly on my 'must have' guest list if I ever start a podcast of my own.

I'd be interested to know if William Porter has ever met Craig Beck, another big name in the AF community. Beck’s Alcohol Lied to Me is no-nonsense and much more ruthlessly anti-alcohol. While others, myself included, take a less condemning approach, Beck calls it exactly as he sees it. He shoots down the idea of 'everything in moderation' with lines like, ‘you wouldn’t suggest a heroin user just have one or two hits a day, would you?’ Beck's approach was great for me in those early days. Whenever my will power waned, it was him that I turned to. I recall laughing out loud during an afternoon run when he highlighted the ridiculousness of some of the myths we hold as truths about alcohol. I needed some of  that at the beginning, when I wasn't sure if I was moving in the right direction, it felt like tough love therapy. His body of work is another that comes with a word of warning if you’re still harbouring hopes of moderation though, it’s hard to make a case for it after a few hours listening to or reading the work of Craig Beck.

This summer, I completed the audiobook of Sort Your Head Out by Sam Delaney. The book is split into two halves, before and after going sober. I’d seen it recommended by a friend who said it had resonated with him so I started listening to it on my runs. Once I started it, I couldn’t wait to get out running again. It was one of those books that really spoke to me. If I were any good at sitting down to read the old fashioned way, I’d describe it as a page turner. That was the latest AF book I listened to, and it came long after my most intense spell of AF content between 2021-22. The same is true of the first one I can remember reading, in Cape Verde back in 2016, it was called Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget by Sarah Hepola. Blackout is a hard-hitting memoir and, with hindsight, I think it had an influence on my eventual decision to try living AF. The road to giving up indefinitely was certainly longer than just a few weeks before I made the choice to take the leap, and I wonder if that book planted the first seed. Hepola is from Texas, USA, somewhere that I expect is quite different from Oxfordshire, UK. Although her life experience was very different from mine, her stories around alcohol resonated. Recognising someone who has experienced alcohol in the same way that I have is very similar to how I used to be able to hone in on another drinker like me when I was game for a session. I thought about following that line with an explanation of what I mean, but I really don't need to, if you know you know!

To conclude this section, I should also mention The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray and Clare Pooley’s, Sober Diaries. These are two other influential books that I read during my first 'sober streak' and I would definitely recommend.

Beyond Alcohol Free - Positive Psychology

I’ve made no secret how much I recognise the importance of positive psychology and a shift of mindset in sustaining positive lifestyle changes such as choosing to live AF. So it will come as no surprise that I soon started to delve into literature (or audiobooks) that went beyond the specifics of living AF. 

Tony Robbins had been an influence long before I quit alcohol, and I’m sure he played a big part in my decision to do so. His Netflix documentary I Am Not Your Guru was hugely uplifting, but I’d already learnt a great deal about human development from him before that. Limiting beliefs still plague me from time to time, but a Robbins podcast is always there when they creep in. One of my limiting beliefs is that I’ll never reach a stage where choosing AF is no longer significant in my life. I don’t even know if Robbins is teetotal, I expect he is, but his purpose and cause is such that it really doesn't seem significant. Isn’t that a great aspiration in life? To live for a cause greater than yourself, where you can escape your own ego long enough that this all becomes a minor detail in life’s great adventure. For now though, I’ll keep working hard to stay conscious and keep things on track when the triggers come knocking. One brick at a time, as they say.

Andy Ramage, who I hadn’t really discovered during my first sober spell, is clearly influenced by the work of Robbins and he has been a revelation in my later AF spells. So much so that I joined one of his webinars last year, and seriously considered taking his diploma as a route into a new career centred around positive psychology and coaching. Ramage’s work could have gone into the AF space, but I think he’s grown way beyond that niche himself now. That said, I am really looking forward to his AF based documentary to be released in the coming months. I think it could be a real eye opener for those that he describes as ‘middle lane drinkers’. Well worth a watch when it comes out.

Professor Steve Peters is another big influence on my intellectual understanding of mind management. I’ve actually been through The Chimp Paradox twice, and it’s had a huge influence on how I understand my own mind. I often refer to my 'inner chimp',  such has been the impact of Peters’ work in helping me make sense of why we think and react the way we do. Mark Lewis’s The Biology of Desire has influenced me similarly. I can still remember where I was when I read certain parts of it, not just physically, but mentally. There was a hope inside me at that point. I had a new job pending, and we were moving out of Covid restrictions. The book was insightful, giving me a growing understanding of the causes of addiction and desire. The more I understood about how my mind worked, the more I believed there was hope that I could grow into a person of value.

Last, but by no means least, was the discovery of Jordan Peterson. This was hugely significant for me, and still is to this day. His work extends far beyond living AF, and his books and lectures have helped me understand and deal with some challenging times emotionally. Peterson openly acknowledges that alcohol is “bloody good at what it does,” and that if you’re going to give it up, you’d better have something better to replace it with. He prides himself on speaking his truth and accepting that whatever happens as a result is the best thing that could have happened. His words have pulled me out of some difficult emotional places. Peterson's comments about alcohol could easily be misinterpreted as him saying “don’t give it up, it’s too hard.” But that’s not what I hear. Such is his relentless pursuit of truth, what I believe he’s really suggesting is the need to find something higher than yourself, something spiritual, a love or contentment that doesn’t rely on a substance that he also admits can bring out the worst in people. Perhaps Robbins, Peters, Lewis and Peterson don’t entirely belong in an AF blog, but they’ve all played huge roles in my journey and maybe others could benefit from their work too.

Input to Output

After absorbing so much from others, inspiration was turning into frustration as I struggled to find an outlet for my burning desire to share what I had learnt. The fear of judgement held me back for too long, as well as the fear that if I write this stuff down then I am completely committed to absolute sobriety forever. Eventually, I put my first blog into the world of social media though, inspired by the incredible influences that I have talked about here (and others too). The output has helped me so much this year so I'm not denying there's plenty to gain for me. Above all though, the handful of messages that I have received from people with whom my blogs have resonated have made the hours I've put in worthwhile. If anything I've written in these past few months has helped you in any way, then I can guarantee that at least one of my biggest influences can do even more for you. If you are looking to change your relationship with alcohol in any way, or make any lasting positive change for that matter, this is my first highly recommended list!

Let me know if you take up any of these recommendations and what you think of their work? Also, if anyone has similar recommendations, I'm always keen to discover new insights from different people.